@tsm560

It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.

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@pixelatedboat

Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.

@pilau

her: this man needs medical help

me: let me through I’m a doctor

her: why are you opening his mouth?

me: no cavities

her: he’s having a heart attack

me: flosses regularly

her: do something

me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great

@Kim_pulsive

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

@daemonic3

[bank]

Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!

Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke

Robber: No I mean-

Robber2: Wait! Let him finish

@MarkAFuqua_Hunt

Want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say?
Start whispering something to your spouse.

@suecorvette

That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….