When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
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When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Sign of the day..
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.