Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
It’s not much of a tattoo. More of an inkling.
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Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
“Retweet! Retweet!” yelled the German Commander as we invaded Normandy
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
Want to get your kids attention and make sure they hear what you say?
Start whispering something to your spouse.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….