“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
You Might Also Like
Nice to finally get back that hour they stole earlier this year.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.