Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

Him: Can you turn on the wifi?

Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*

If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”

[first date]

Date: well I had a great time tonight.

Me: me too.

Date: give me a ring sometime.

Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.

Me:

Plumber:

Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.

[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]

[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!

Clark Kent is such a hipster.

He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman

I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

I like my women like I like my bugs…

In my bed 😬

Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline

I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand

It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know

i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times

Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.

These aren’t even hard anymore.

I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle

Me: I am a man of substance.

Motion-activated faucet: No.