It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
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7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Have kids, they said
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
5, 6, 7, 8 is the LMNOP of the numbers
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Employees must applaud the planets.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops
I’m Sold!
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.