It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
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Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
bags with threatening auras
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.