It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
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If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE