It’s not my fault that the Ouija Board always says, “you guys should order a large pizza” every time I play.
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Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Has there ever been a more American story?
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS