It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
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“I heard this story last time. Do you have anything new?”
-Me, as a therapist.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?