It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
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Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Saw your ex at the shops
I needed a laugh this morning.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
no one likes gloating
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
When you explain your code to a rubber duck and it starts asking better questions than your product manager. Now that’s debugging at it’s finest.
Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list