It’s not my job to police the internet, but I just saw someone post a recipe for cauliflower cookies and reported them for harmful content.
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Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
Bruh PLEASE
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.