It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
You Might Also Like
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
Previously On Persistence 😎
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too