It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
You Might Also Like
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I cannot call her anything else now
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.