It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
You Might Also Like
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?