It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
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*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
💀😭
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”