It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
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[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
why I oughta
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?