It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
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I don’t care for the term drug mule, why can’t it be a drug unicorn.
Cop: “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Me: “Officer, I’m focused on the future.”
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout
I am patiently waiting for your email
sometimes i miss this memes
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]