It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
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“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Saturday
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw