Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.

You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.

How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.

guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

if you can’t find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine

I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab

and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

Noah

Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

I have been told to stop stealing muffins from the bakery. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to keep my lucrative muffin stand in business. Everyone is fine with this.

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool

If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor

JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.

Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“

Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.

People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄

This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.

i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”

Hear me out:

Brunch where pajama attire is required.

*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee