Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.

Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it

I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.

DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman

4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

“Ooh you’ve caught the sun”

Translation: I could make toast by placing bread on your face.

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.

That was easy.

The happy life.. 😊

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

Stand by me.

I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…

With that said, scrambled it is.

Do you know where my mexican hat is?

– It’s somewhere bro..

Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it

Parent level: expert

Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

Camel dough

If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”

I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.