It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
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Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.