It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
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Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Me in 2022: when will my child talk
My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
we don’t make people walk the plank like we used to
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm