Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.

me: i won employee of the month

her: ur self-employed

me:

her:

me: i also got demoted

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.

The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:

Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.

Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.

If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle

What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight

Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.

Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays

Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”

As 2021 closes, I am reminded of a saying.

Time flies like an arrow…

But fruit flies like a banana.

Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.

*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”

I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)

[training the new person at work]

Them: so you do this everyday?

Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes

GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.

ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

Being an adult

Pros)You can eat anything you want

Cons)You can’t eat anything you want

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.

20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party

40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party

‘High five!’

*steals your snacks, runs away

I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time

The only time I’ll care about Basketball:

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing