Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

me: *barges into the room*

How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye

[wine and cheese]

HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?

370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks

Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.

After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.

*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.

A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”

“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”

A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.

A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.

People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me

My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.

Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!

Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?

Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.

Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home

Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later

What’s the loudest pet?

A trumpet.

#PetDay

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”