It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 馃え
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She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I鈥檓 not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That鈥檚 impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
I don鈥檛 know if I鈥檓 dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
What鈥檚 the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren鈥檛 invited to? Should I bring dip or??
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I鈥檝e never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
I was laid off by Twitter today. I鈥檓 an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
You can鈥檛 offend me I have teenagers.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It鈥檚 spaghetti night.
(Seeing two guys i don’t like) Hey, get a load of Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum over there Lol. (Third guy joins) Wow, a meeting of the minds! (Fourth guy) Think Tank alert! Look out! (Fifth) It’s the Marketplace of ideas
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
sugar glider wrangler
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.