Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by

customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?

me: [looks over at dog] that is correct

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

europeans read a lot because their television shows suck

[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

Murderer: what’s wrong?

Me: it really hurts

Murderer: oh sorry

*stabbing softens*

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.

I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.

Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.

Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.

woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows

With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp

I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.

surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter

The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.

Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

Proctologist = Analyst

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.

Dog:

Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.