Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s either covid or clever vampires

Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over

Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.

Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.

It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.

I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.

Cop: I need statements from you both

Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!

Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

Person: How are you going to get over this curb?

Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.

Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.

A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying

To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.

*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie