Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement

Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”

Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?

Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials

After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.

FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

Cat 911: What’s your emergency

Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish

Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it

Cat:

Cat 911:

Cat: Haha hahaha

Cat 911: hahahha

Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

Collecting my reserved books at the library: They’re under the name Marriott.

Librarian: Oh, like the author!

Me: Huh?

Librarian: You know, the author – Zoë Marriott!

Me, blankly: This… has never happened to me before.

Librarian: All right. Can I have your library card?

Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?

Clerk: That’s an egg.

Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.

Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.

No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk

And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.

so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.

Welcome to adulthood.

You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.

I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.

It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,

I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur

I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed