Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.

Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten

beware of dog
(jukin media)

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

[after sex]

ME: that was…magnificently stupefying

HER: please put the thesaurus down

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading

Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.

If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.

Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.

Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.

Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.

My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have

The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.