It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My whole life was a lie.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My wife: where the heck did you spend $25,000 last night?
Me:
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…