Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!

I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”

Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.

Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.

You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.

American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
follow me for more tips

The guy I’m training thinks he’s going to take my job by undermining me, listen, buddy, you can have it.

if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do

For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Tuesday

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

5: Daddy, can I help?

Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job

5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.

Me: [handing over tools]

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

Women,

If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.

Sincerely,
Men

Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.

Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?

N: So?

M: So, I can’t help you.

Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.

Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”

“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.

“No, lots of wine bags.”

I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.

be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character

Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate