It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
nooOOO now I have to dunk my phone in water!!!
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.