It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
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my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.