I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
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[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
I would move hell over six inches for you
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
bad news gang
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
DOOO EEEET
yes… yes…
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄