it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
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*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
i have feelings for you but you have to guess which ones
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
GM✌🏻
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.