it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
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The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying