it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
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This January has 47 Mondays
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
What no one tells you about having kids is that within a few years you’re in possession of lot of teeth that you have no idea what to do with
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!
Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
I decided to do an exercise video today. Before long I was exhausted, broken, but I’d told myself I was going to gut it out so I hit pause to see how much I had left. I’d completed 80%. “Not bad,” I thought, then I caught the full name of the video. It was the warmup.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.