It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
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I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
A choir of Spring onions
Airport police say that the number of people smuggling helium balloons in their luggage is under control.
But cases continue to rise.
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.