Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
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Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Life with a cat in one tweet
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen