It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
You Might Also Like
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.