It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
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Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Introducing ManBat
A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I’m a yapper
I’m a napper
I’m a midnight snacker
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
ME: …but it’s dairy-free
WIFE: I don’t care, I’m not calling it “peanut margarine”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.