It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
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“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
When the stylist spins you back around
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.