It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
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Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.