It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
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[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
My medical alert bracelet says, “You can’t kill her. We’ve already tried. Like 7 times”
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.