Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sure, I have a talent for shirking, but it’s not like I didn’t have to work at it too.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.

– Cannibal Presidential Debates

Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.

Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.

You’re never alone. Theres mold

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.

I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3

Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?

Cop:

Me:

Cop: Speeding

Me: Oh phew!

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who

Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.

Kid: I love you so much!

Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.

Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.

Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.

My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.

So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.

How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming

I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:

Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1

Oh, to be a rat with a pancake

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”