Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

(first date)

Her: I love Star Trek

Me: Me too!

Her: What’s your favourite part?

Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!

No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.

Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward

Me, a math teacher writing a problem on the board: who can solve this

Student, slowly raising hand: it just says who has a hot, single dad

[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

How the stock market works:

Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

her: my parents are gone 😉

liam neeson: ok when did u see them last

sugar glider wrangler

can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦‍♂️ whatever u say gorgeous

In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼‍♀️😂

Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.