It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
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Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Really shocked to hear about the dead worm. I didn’t even know it was sick.