It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
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Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
BOOGEYMAN: lauraaaaa…wake up I’m gonna EAT YOU
ME: [wakes up] finally
BOOGEYMAN: what?
ME: let’s do this
BOOGEYMAN: it’s not fun if you want it
ME: look buddy either eat me or get out i have to be up in an hour
BOOGEYMAN: s..sorry [leaves]
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time