It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
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A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
Proctology is located in A55
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.