It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
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When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.