It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
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For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Interviewer: Your resume lists one of your skills as “planning evil events.” That’s a typo, right? Don’t you mean “live events”?
Me: [slowly rubbing my hands together] If you prefer
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
(Boarding flight to Iowa)
9 yo: what kind of food do they eat in Iowa?
12 yo: corn on the cob
9 yo: what else?
12 yo: corn off the cob
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit