It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
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Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
“i am a sweet baby”
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”
When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?