Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s your favorite fruit?

Son #2: Tacos.

Me: No, I said fruit.

S2: You have my answer.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you

My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too

I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate

As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver

My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.

Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.

One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?

Husband: What else do you have?

Me: *eyes narrow*

Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!

Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”

*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training

me: *report as phishing*

remains to be seen, not heard

– undertakers

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances

things a whale might end an email with:

-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krill

things a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:

-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you

My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.

Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.

Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.

Went and got a new library card.

Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.

I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade