It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
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Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
called in thicc to work this morning
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
45% of divorces stem from $ issues.
45% are caused by infidelity.
The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I’ve been deep cleaning my house, so far I’ve removed 2,547 rocks 6,872 leaves and 4,925 sticks from my kid’s rooms.