@DarzieDAMN

It’s not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. It’s just that I would rather not spend the rest of my life reading them.

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@julcasagrande

My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it

– me flirting

@stephenjmolloy

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

@msevilroyslade

Don’t be afraid to love yourself…

…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.

@storming01

In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .

@TweetPotato314

me: we should have a housewarming party

dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now

@hangin_out

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

@GingerHotDish

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

@Adyaces

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

@koalaslament

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”