I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
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When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress