It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
it takes so much energy
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS Ｔｈｅ Ｃｏｌｏｓｓａｌ Ｐｉｌｌａｒ ｏｆ Ｗａｓｐ Ｅｇｇｓ LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
