It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Never mind a Roomba, I need a robot garbage can that will follow my kids around the house all day.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
