It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
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If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
True
No, I haven’t seen any dogs
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
I’ve seen:
•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo DragonsBut nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt