Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute

*laughs all the way to the bank*

*cries all the way back*

CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.

It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers

the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’

Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.

My outdoor flowers are doing amazing this year because I left them at the garden center where they belong.

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

I’m not saying Lois Lane is a bad investigative journalist, but my friend Greg didn’t wear glasses to work yesterday and I recognised him by lunch time.

G/F wanted sex.

Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.

And that’s how the fight started.

I’m going to a dinner tonight for my husband’s work and he said, “Tonight I need you to be charming and funny and do not tweet about this.”

0 for 3 so far.

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Goats that intimidate others are bully goats

Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?

We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.

*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*

Me: *patting mask* thank you

3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?

me: they’re lights

3: no I mean the spirits in front of them

me:

me:

me:

3: what’s for dinner

Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball