It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
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Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.