Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
You Might Also Like
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Me too 😆
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.