whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
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GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
I am having an out of money experience.
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.