It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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I will cook for you
-me, threatening
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
inside you are two wolves
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
my one true gender
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
don’t message me unless you have this energy
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”