It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.