It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in