It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
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My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Work is just a series of conversations reminding people of when you tried to talk to them about what they’re now surprised about
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
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