Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking

There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.

I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.

mood

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Hot Girl: Hey, u single?

Me: I am.

HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?

Answers phone, makes modem noises…

Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

How to get a job on Game of Thrones:

Q: Can you act?

A: Sorta

Q: Will you get naked?

A: Yes

HIRED!

U U U U U U

An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:

“Bit windy”

In New England, we only have two seasons:

1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car

[Deathbed]
Me: Don’t put me in the wrong burial plot

Son: Dad stop it, I’m never turning this life support off!

Me: because that would be…a grave mistake lol

Son: So is it this switch here or

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”

I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

You can learn a lot about your neighbor by going through their medicine cabinet …. For example, my neighbor had 17 Xanax and now they have none.

11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”

🥲

There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.

Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩