It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
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I’M GONNA OWN THIS YEAR!!!
*buys goldfish
*calls it ‘This Year’.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
i was made for a simpler time. when people made their own clothes. and politely died of syphilis.
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I’m still annoyed that you can catch Covid more than once. I can’t explain why, but it feels kind of rude.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I found your tweet-up…
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.