Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.

There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…

*Puts on sunglasses*

“Airline fracture”

Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people

Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.

The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.

*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

*Gets left on read for hours*

Me: “I’m never talking to them again”

Them: *Finally replies*

Me:

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”

She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”

I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”

She hates me now

If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?

I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”

Me: because I’m not Native American?

My dad: no because you’re still alive

Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.

During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.

I like to swear a lot so that people will keep their kids away from me.