It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
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In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Meme Monday.
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites