Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?

british guy: tea

british waiter: jolly good choice

[both laugh britishingly]

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.

That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

Me driving through Toronto

If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.

i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.

Polite kitties have good etiquecat

BRO LMFAO

Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.

Me: Okay, but is that right or left?

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”