It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Barbie gone wild
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard