It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
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If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
“Bob’s here”
Bob the surgeon or Bob who just pretends he’s a surgeon?
“We only know one Bob and he’s an accountant”
*arm falls off*
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
grandparents are too precious for this world
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.