It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew